It never occurred to me that Easter would have the same emotional effect that say thanksgiving or christmas does. Then I stood over the table where my fiance and kids were coloring eggs and it all came back. It was totally unexpected to be honest. I didn't think that I was going to have to deal with all this emotional trauma again. It never crossed my mind at all. How stupid am I?
So now I sit here in front of this screen on the verge of tears and no one knows but me, it is my burden to carry and no one else's. It throws me into absolute internal turmoil, effects every word that comes out of my mouth, causes me to have to think about every syllable, every motion. It causes me great emotional and physical pain and what can I do but keep it inside and let it affect every facet of my life? I can't talk about it, it is just too painful. I can't make anyone understand who hasn't been through what I have. I have suggested that my fiance read a book that is for loved ones of sexual abuse survivors but she has no interest. It would be nice to know I could talk to her about it but I know I can't. I don't know if she just discounts its impact on my life or just doesn't care, or it is just a complete lack of understanding being that she has never been through it. Maybe, just maybe it is fear. It isn't a door that many care to open, and it is one that I can't shut. There is a person inside of me that is the polar opposite of everything I am on the outside, someone who no one knows but me. Quite frankly I would like to keep it that way.
Now that I am older and have a genuine family of my own I am having to deal with situations that bring my childhood back and suddenly everything becomes exponentially harder. I struggle to understand how to behave, how to function when everyone is joyous and full of life and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Thank God for medication, for the physical pain and the pain that can't be seen, the pain that rips me apart inside. I want so badly to be able to take part in the fun family activities but all I can think of is............. It hurts, it feels like so much of my life is still being taken from me, like the time that has been taken isn't enough. Is it ever going to be enough? Will I ever get over it? Is it something one can ever get "over". Will anyone ever understand but me? Will it ever get easier? Have I not been put through enough already? Who did I piss off to deserve all of this? I have a lot more questions where that came from but I won't go on.
I just wish that someone, anyone understood what it is like to carry this around with me every day. Most days are what they are....but days like this are hard. Very very hard. I feel alone, distant, disconnected, like the rest of the world is normal and I am this fucked up mess wrapped up in a body that barely functions. It isn't a matter of feeling sorry for myself. It just is!
The pain and the hurt, the frustration and anger, the torment and utter lack of concern are all alarming. But I have been dealing with those all my life.... What really gets under my skin, so to speak is that it affects my relationships, it ruins everything good that comes my way eventually because no one understands. Not my parent's, not my friends, not my doctors, not my kids, not my fiance. I am the only one who understands. And that is how it will be until I take my last breath.
Just once I want someone to look me in the eye and say "I know how you are feeling, you aren't the only one." and then just shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear; it will get better (it won't and by saying that proves you know not what I deal with). It will be okay (no it won't and it never has been okay, again proving you have no clue what you are talking about). There are simply no cliche's you can enter in the blank, no way to make it better.
Just shut the fuck up, hold me, and don't say a word. That's all I need....I won't burden you with the nightmare that is spinning feverishly round and round inside my head, I will just sit there with a distant look in my eye trying my best, as always to make the horror stop and lose the battle as I always do. I just need to know someone cares. I don't need to hear I understand YOU DON'T!Round and round the pain goes, where it stops no one knows....
someday soon or someday far I will find the key that opens the door
the door that lets it all run away, never to come back and ruin yet another happy day.
Someday soon or someday far someone will come to me and say.
"I love you Jeff" and make it all go away.
Whether today, tomorrow or just before my dying day
It will happen, it will.....it will....
Or all my faith in everything good will just simply fall away
so until that day I will keep writing and typing to keep all the bad things at bay
and I'll hope and pray with all that I am...and until that day comes exist the best I can.
Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"
