Wonder what would happen if I let someone in to the tangled mess that is my head. My thoughts unstable and ever changing. Would they run away screaming, or just sit there with their mouth open. Would it be a look of fear, or amazement in their eyes?
Why must things be this way? Why must I live like this? How is it that I am to survive let alone live? Do I have any answers to the questions I find myself asking more and more? How can I keep going, when all I see is darkness looming on the horizon, the same darkness I have always seen hanging over every moment of my pathetic existence. I lack the ability to feel happiness. I won't let myself get anywhere near it before I tank it all in a flash. I can't stand dealing with people I don't understand. I can't stand dealing with myself for the same damn reason. I am my own worst enemy, always have been. I know that in the end I will be alone, I have grown quite accustomed to it actually.
I have lived my life up to this point one moment to the next and lack the foresight to see or care what is coming at me more than a few moments into the future. I have said so many times that I know what the future holds, but I don't. What I do know is that it isn't pretty. Like the past having a habit of repeating itself, the future promises to be nothing if not redundant to a fault. Never has the future directly mimiced the past, however it has always felt the same when it comes down to it. It's as if when I begin to feel the slightest tinge of happiness something else must fall apart just to make sure I don't think for even a second that that could be me.
All of my memories I see as if they are on a big screen. Me and whoever else was lucky enough to be a part of my memories going on about whatever it is we were doing. Never have I had a memory I see through my own eyes. It's almost like I have yet to live life. Almost like no matter what, once the moment is gone it is filed under the "happened to someone else" folder of my mind. Not allowing me to feel anymore what I felt in the fleeting moment that it was my reality.
"My Reality"
I could sit and stare at that phrase for hours and it still wouldn't make it any clearer to me what it means. When I see it I think of words like; depressing, dark, forboding, senseless, alien. I could go on but why? I think that pretty much sums up my mental state. Well the one that no one sees anyway. I spend so much time and effort acting like everything is great that I forget for a moment here and there that it isn't. I should breath a sigh of relief in those rare times but instead something always happens to bring the truth crashing in. Every freakin time, without fail I am awakened to what has always been my destiny. Am I too centered on myself? I am not so dense as to think that the things that happen to others are harder on me than them, but I do acknowledge that things that happen to others affect me. I don't think to myself how much harder it must be for me than person X. I do spend a lot of time thinking, Person X sure doesn't care how it affects me. Are people by nature self absored, self centered, loathing creatures? Are we always only thinking of ourselves? Do we ever really spend time thinking of how our actions affect others? Or is that just a line we spew out when we "aren't alone".
I know that I don't belong around people, I see that now. Problem is the world is full of them and some days it feels like they all want a piece. When all I want is peace. A peace I will likely never find, a peace I have never known, a peace I will search for until I take my last breath. Maybe it is that I am not supposed to find it, maybe it is the old addage that you never get what you are looking for until you stop looking. I can't and won't stop seeking that which I want the most, peace and happiness in my life. I just fear that I will never find it. More importantly I am fairly certain that I will be the only obstacle to finding that which I want so badly. Now there are a ton of cliches I could toss in for good measure but I will leave them be for the time beng. I will leave it all be.
Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"
