I was in a relationship, emphasis on was, and near the end she got pregnant. I wasn't told until she had started having a miscarriage. I was angry that I wasn't given the opportunity to feel the joy of knowing that I was going to have a baby in my arms again. I wans't given the chance to know anything about it until it was too late. I only got to feel the pain that comes with knowing I would never feel her in my arms, never get to stare into her eyes, while she looked up at me in awe.
I named her Alex, and she gave her the middle name of Rose. Alex Rose such a beautiful name. She would have been such a smart beautiful girl. She wasn't meant to be I guess, who am I to judge God's plan for all of us right?
I wrote her a letter not too long ago, it went as one would expect. I told her I missed her and hoped that she was in heaven waiting patiently for my arrival into her life. I told her that she is loved as she would have been had she been in my arms. All the typical things you would see in a letter to a child taken from her parent's all too soon. I have carried it in my back pocket since the day I wrote it. I feel like it keeps her close to me, even though she is so far away. This song just came on and I had no idea I even owned it, funny that it would come on just as I am typing this.
There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again
So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope
Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again
I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back
For you Alex
I woke up a couple of days ago and sat down at my computer as I do every day and I looked down at my hands in my lap and for a moment swore I saw her in my hands, I smelled her, I felt her and for a moment thought she was really here with me. A moment later she was gone and reality all of the sudden closed in on me like a storm breaking the horizon making its way for me. I felt empty, I felt cold and lonely. I still feel that way now, like a piece of me is missing. I talk to her at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet. I look up at Orion in the night sky and hope that she is protected and safe and loved. I listen for the sounds of small children in the silence hoping that by some sort of miracle she will appear to me. I know that she won't but I can't let go of the hope, I can't let the dream die as she did. She came and went so quickly, and I never got the chance to meet her.
There is a song called "this life" by Sevendust it was written for much the same circumstance. I have been listening to it nonstop for a couple of hours now and can't stop. The tears keep welling up in my eyes and I keep fighting them back, not wanting to let go, not wanting to face reality in any way. Why? Why did this half to happen, why did it happen? Have I not been through enough already, adopted into a family then abused for years, thrown out when I was 16 to fend for myself, Only to find my way and lose it again, and then 7 years ago I get sick. How much more can I take? I find myself asking that a lot. I don't honestly know what the answer is anymore. I have been trying for so long to face the fact that I will never have the life I dreamt of when I was young. I just can't face the pain of every day life much longer without coming apart at the seams. I keep my happy face on for everyone when all I want to do is scream and run away, far away. I won't let anyone in so they can help because this isn't there fight it is mine.
So am I doomed to walk alone in the night? Am I doomed to a life of survival? Will I ever get the chance to live life? I have found success, I have money I have everything that one would think you would need to have a great life, yet it just isn't the truth of the matter. There is nothing that I want more than to regain the desire to get up each morning to see what the new day will bring. Instead there is only darkness - despair - and my cold dark existence, my little secret. It is no secret to those who know me well that music plays a large part in my life and once again a song comes on that explains fairly well how I feel. Here it is.
"This is your life, are you who you want to be? Is it everything you dreamed it would be, when it's all over and the night closes in, will you have everything to lose?
yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead, a promise that you have broken
don't close your eyes, this is your life
and today is all you got now
and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes - This is your life
are you who you want to be
yesterday is a carrot in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
and this is your life
are you who you want to be
this is your life
is it everything you dreamed it would be, when the world is over and you got everything to lose
Don't close your eyes - This is your life
are you who you want to be?
NO...
Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"
No comments:
Post a Comment