Only just begun and the end is near

So ya I am done.  I have had enough of being treated the way I am being treated.  Demeaned, belittled, made to feel an inch tall.  No compassion, no sympathy, no empathy, just a cold dark heart peeking out from behind a beautiful shell.  I should have listened, I should have known.  The age difference is killing us we want different things out of life.  

I will not deal with anyone who is of the belief that everyone is horrible except the person cutting everyone down.  Bottom line is she is a coward.  She stresses out for no reason out of the blue and constantly yells at my Son and I.  I won't take it anymore.  I can't and live with myself.  I love her with all my heart.  I also love me as well though, and it is high time I stood up for myself and my Son.  I will chalk it all up to one more mistake made.  Oh well life goes on right?

Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"

Easter egg hunt....deep inside

Soooo the holidays....what to say about the holidays *sighs*. So it is Easter today and we have the whole family together all day.  It's great but the stress level is sky high.  Well my stress level is high during any time where the "family" gathered when I was a child.

It never occurred to me that Easter would have the same emotional effect that say thanksgiving or christmas does. Then I stood over the table where my fiance and kids were coloring eggs and it all came back.  It was totally unexpected to be honest.  I didn't think that I was going to have to deal with all this emotional trauma again.  It never crossed my mind at all.  How stupid am I?

So now I sit here in front of this screen on the verge of tears and no one knows but me, it is my burden to carry and no one else's.  It throws me into absolute internal turmoil, effects every word that comes out of my mouth, causes me to have to think about every syllable, every motion.  It causes me great emotional and physical pain and what can I do but keep it inside and let it affect every facet of my life?  I can't talk about it, it is just too painful.  I can't make anyone understand who hasn't been through what I have.  I have suggested that my fiance read a book that is for loved ones of sexual abuse survivors but she has no interest.  It would be nice to know I could talk to her about it but I know I can't.  I don't know if she just discounts its impact on my life or just doesn't care, or it is just a complete lack of understanding being that she has never been through it.  Maybe, just maybe it is fear.  It isn't a door that many care to open, and it is one that I can't shut.  There is a person inside of me that is the polar opposite of everything I am on the outside, someone who no one knows but me.  Quite frankly I would like to keep it that way.

Now that I am older and have a genuine family of my own I am having to deal with situations that bring my childhood back and suddenly everything becomes exponentially harder.  I struggle to understand how to behave, how to function when everyone is joyous and full of life and I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  Thank God for medication, for the physical pain and the pain that can't be seen, the pain that rips me apart inside.  I want so badly to be able to take part in the fun family activities but all I can think of is.............  It hurts, it feels like so much of my life is still being taken from me, like the time that has been taken isn't enough.  Is it ever going to be enough?  Will I ever get over it?  Is it something one can ever get "over".  Will anyone ever understand but me?  Will it ever get easier?  Have I not been put through enough already?  Who did I piss off to deserve all of this? I have a lot more questions where that came from but I won't go on.

I just wish that someone, anyone understood what it is like to carry this around with me every day.  Most days are what they are....but days like this are hard.  Very very hard.  I feel alone, distant, disconnected, like the rest of the world is normal and I am this fucked up mess wrapped up in a body that barely functions.  It isn't a matter of feeling sorry for myself.  It just is!

The pain and the hurt, the frustration and anger, the torment and utter lack of concern are all alarming.  But I have been dealing with those all my life.... What really gets under my skin, so to speak is that it affects my relationships, it ruins everything good that comes my way eventually because no one understands. Not my parent's, not my friends, not my doctors, not my kids, not my fiance.  I am the only one who understands.  And that is how it will be until I take my last breath.

Just once I want someone to look me in the eye and say "I know how you are feeling, you aren't the only one." and then just shut the fuck up.  I don't want to hear; it will get better (it won't and by saying that proves you know not what I deal with).  It will be okay (no it won't and it never has been okay, again proving you have no clue what you are talking about).  There are simply no cliche's you can enter in the blank, no way to make it better.  

Just shut the fuck up, hold me, and don't say a word. That's all I need....I won't burden you with the nightmare that is spinning feverishly round and round inside my head, I will just sit there with a distant look in my eye trying my best, as always to make the horror stop and lose the battle as I always do. I just need to know someone cares. I don't need to hear I understand YOU DON'T!

Round and round the pain goes, where it stops no one knows....

someday soon or someday far I will find the key that opens the door

the door that lets it all run away, never to come back and ruin yet another happy day.

Someday soon or someday far someone will come to me and say.  

"I love you Jeff" and make it all go away.

Whether today, tomorrow or just before my dying day

It will happen, it will.....it will....

Or all my faith in everything good will just simply fall away

so until that day I will keep writing and typing to keep all the bad things at bay

and I'll hope and pray with all that I am...and until that day comes exist the best I can.

Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"

DJ Calendar link for everyone who works for me

GOOGLE DJ CALENDAR

Here is the link to the DJ calendar for Ministry of Music which can be found in Second Life, drop on by ":)

Like the Titanic...In a Panic

Wonder what would happen if I let someone in to the tangled mess that is my head. My thoughts unstable and ever changing. Would they run away screaming, or just sit there with their mouth open. Would it be a look of fear, or amazement in their eyes?

Why must things be this way? Why must I live like this? How is it that I am to survive let alone live? Do I have any answers to the questions I find myself asking more and more? How can I keep going, when all I see is darkness looming on the horizon, the same darkness I have always seen hanging over every moment of my pathetic existence. I lack the ability to feel happiness. I won't let myself get anywhere near it before I tank it all in a flash. I can't stand dealing with people I don't understand. I can't stand dealing with myself for the same damn reason. I am my own worst enemy, always have been. I know that in the end I will be alone, I have grown quite accustomed to it actually.

I have lived my life up to this point one moment to the next and lack the foresight to see or care what is coming at me more than a few moments into the future. I have said so many times that I know what the future holds, but I don't. What I do know is that it isn't pretty. Like the past having a habit of repeating itself, the future promises to be nothing if not redundant to a fault. Never has the future directly mimiced the past, however it has always felt the same when it comes down to it. It's as if when I begin to feel the slightest tinge of happiness something else must fall apart just to make sure I don't think for even a second that that could be me.

All of my memories I see as if they are on a big screen. Me and whoever else was lucky enough to be a part of my memories going on about whatever it is we were doing. Never have I had a memory I see through my own eyes. It's almost like I have yet to live life. Almost like no matter what, once the moment is gone it is filed under the "happened to someone else" folder of my mind. Not allowing me to feel anymore what I felt in the fleeting moment that it was my reality.

"My Reality"

I could sit and stare at that phrase for hours and it still wouldn't make it any clearer to me what it means. When I see it I think of words like; depressing, dark, forboding, senseless, alien. I could go on but why? I think that pretty much sums up my mental state. Well the one that no one sees anyway. I spend so much time and effort acting like everything is great that I forget for a moment here and there that it isn't. I should breath a sigh of relief in those rare times but instead something always happens to bring the truth crashing in. Every freakin time, without fail I am awakened to what has always been my destiny. Am I too centered on myself? I am not so dense as to think that the things that happen to others are harder on me than them, but I do acknowledge that things that happen to others affect me. I don't think to myself how much harder it must be for me than person X. I do spend a lot of time thinking, Person X sure doesn't care how it affects me. Are people by nature self absored, self centered, loathing creatures? Are we always only thinking of ourselves? Do we ever really spend time thinking of how our actions affect others? Or is that just a line we spew out when we "aren't alone".

I know that I don't belong around people, I see that now. Problem is the world is full of them and some days it feels like they all want a piece. When all I want is peace. A peace I will likely never find, a peace I have never known, a peace I will search for until I take my last breath. Maybe it is that I am not supposed to find it, maybe it is the old addage that you never get what you are looking for until you stop looking. I can't and won't stop seeking that which I want the most, peace and happiness in my life. I just fear that I will never find it. More importantly I am fairly certain that I will be the only obstacle to finding that which I want so badly. Now there are a ton of cliches I could toss in for good measure but I will leave them be for the time beng. I will leave it all be.


Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"

A Lil Girl Who Has My Heart

I was in a relationship, emphasis on was, and near the end she got pregnant. I wasn't told until she had started having a miscarriage. I was angry that I wasn't given the opportunity to feel the joy of knowing that I was going to have a baby in my arms again. I wans't given the chance to know anything about it until it was too late. I only got to feel the pain that comes with knowing I would never feel her in my arms, never get to stare into her eyes, while she looked up at me in awe.

I named her Alex, and she gave her the middle name of Rose. Alex Rose such a beautiful name. She would have been such a smart beautiful girl. She wasn't meant to be I guess, who am I to judge God's plan for all of us right?

I wrote her a letter not too long ago, it went as one would expect. I told her I missed her and hoped that she was in heaven waiting patiently for my arrival into her life. I told her that she is loved as she would have been had she been in my arms. All the typical things you would see in a letter to a child taken from her parent's all too soon. I have carried it in my back pocket since the day I wrote it. I feel like it keeps her close to me, even though she is so far away. This song just came on and I had no idea I even owned it, funny that it would come on just as I am typing this.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

For you Alex

I woke up a couple of days ago and sat down at my computer as I do every day and I looked down at my hands in my lap and for a moment swore I saw her in my hands, I smelled her, I felt her and for a moment thought she was really here with me. A moment later she was gone and reality all of the sudden closed in on me like a storm breaking the horizon making its way for me. I felt empty, I felt cold and lonely. I still feel that way now, like a piece of me is missing. I talk to her at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet. I look up at Orion in the night sky and hope that she is protected and safe and loved. I listen for the sounds of small children in the silence hoping that by some sort of miracle she will appear to me. I know that she won't but I can't let go of the hope, I can't let the dream die as she did. She came and went so quickly, and I never got the chance to meet her.

There is a song called "this life" by Sevendust it was written for much the same circumstance. I have been listening to it nonstop for a couple of hours now and can't stop. The tears keep welling up in my eyes and I keep fighting them back, not wanting to let go, not wanting to face reality in any way. Why? Why did this half to happen, why did it happen? Have I not been through enough already, adopted into a family then abused for years, thrown out when I was 16 to fend for myself, Only to find my way and lose it again, and then 7 years ago I get sick. How much more can I take? I find myself asking that a lot. I don't honestly know what the answer is anymore. I have been trying for so long to face the fact that I will never have the life I dreamt of when I was young. I just can't face the pain of every day life much longer without coming apart at the seams. I keep my happy face on for everyone when all I want to do is scream and run away, far away. I won't let anyone in so they can help because this isn't there fight it is mine.

So am I doomed to walk alone in the night? Am I doomed to a life of survival? Will I ever get the chance to live life? I have found success, I have money I have everything that one would think you would need to have a great life, yet it just isn't the truth of the matter. There is nothing that I want more than to regain the desire to get up each morning to see what the new day will bring. Instead there is only darkness - despair - and my cold dark existence, my little secret. It is no secret to those who know me well that music plays a large part in my life and once again a song comes on that explains fairly well how I feel. Here it is.

"This is your life, are you who you want to be? Is it everything you dreamed it would be, when it's all over and the night closes in, will you have everything to lose?


yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead, a promise that you have broken
don't close your eyes, this is your life
and today is all you got now
and today is all you'll ever have
Don't close your eyes - This is your life
are you who you want to be
yesterday is a carrot in the corner
yesterday is dead and over
and this is your life
are you who you want to be
this is your life
is it everything you dreamed it would be, when the world is over and you got everything to lose

Don't close your eyes - This is your life
are you who you want to be?

NO...


Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"

Israel - Palestine

So why is it that no one ever brings up that Israel holds in their posession the holiest site on the planet for THREE faiths but claim it solely for their own. I just want to know why that isn't mentioned ever...

Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"

Observations In The Middle East

So now Israel has hit an apartment building where Hezbollah had hidden a rocket launcher.

Does Israel take the blame or does Hezbollah?

Let's look at the facts shall we?
Hezbollah commonly uses civilians as human shields. They, as they did in this case apparently, park there rocket laiden vehicles next to apartment buildings, U.N. compounds. The UN force is on record stating that Hezbollah uses there buildings *U.N. Buildings and outposts* for cover. Due to their regulations they are not allowed to do anything about it. We will leave that part alone for now so that we may stay on topic, nothing worse than a blogger who can't stay on topic. So we have seen the infrared video Israel released showing the rocket launcher being parked just after it fired a number of rockets into Israel, just behind the apartment building Israel desimated moments later. To Israel's credit they have now decided to a 24 or 48 hours cessation or suspension of force. Granted they are leaving open the ability to defend themselves should any rockets be fired into Israel. They have agreed to simply stop airstrikes and allow the red crescent and U.N. to go in and provide relief.

One thing I haven't heard mentioned much in the mainstream media is that Israel did drop flyers on the city of Qana 24 hours prior to this latest incident. War is not pretty. Terrorists do not care about human life, they value nothing beyond their cause. It is unfortunate that the middle east is gathering around Hezbollah and shaming Israel. Many of the media reports I have seen simply treat Hezbollah as though they are the Lebanese Army which is clearly not the case. I have also not heard mentioned that Hezbollah, after Al Qaeda, has killed more Americans than any other terrorist organization. We are simply Hezbollah's second worst enemy. It always amazes me just how small this world of ours really is.

I live in Hawaii. Living out here it seems that we are very far removed from everything that happens on the mainland U.S. let alone what happens in other parts of the world. We find that often times we are forgotten for one reason or another until something or otherwise news worthy happens in our slice of paradise. I think that the people in the middle east feel exactly the same way. After all the fighting in the middle east lately we forget that these battles, in some cases have been going on for hundreds of years. When will the world learn, when will we the human race learn to get along. It seems to me that at some point we must learn this vital skill. I don't think it will happen anytime soon. All one must do is look at the U.S. political structure as of late to see that things are going in the wrong direction and have been for quite some time.

Unfortunate is the word of the day

Regards,
Jeff
"Just Observations, with some opinions thrown in for good measure. You know what they say about opinions"